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SEXPECTATIONS





Here are many expectations that partners often have, as women go through their healing process and treatment for vaginismus. Some can be counterproductive and hurtful, so make sure you too don’t hold one or try at least to see the implications of them...



# After my partner solves her vaginismus, intercourse will be a regular part of our life, at last, and she'll enjoy it

Healing from vaginismus does not turn women into sex Goddesses, does not grant them a super higher libido, does not turn the relationship or their personality around nor does it promise that sex will always be problem-free.
So we have to be careful expecting that once vag. is over sex will always be good, always feel good, always be painfree, always be wanted, desired, passionate and frequent...
She may solve vaginismus and still not be in the mood for sex, or for intercourse or she may develop other problems (or you could!) making intercourse impossible. Now, unless she's also not intimately connected to you in any other way, it shouldn't be a problem that she didn't feel like having intercourse even after being able to. Obviously if she's with you and you have a deep connection, she's already enjoying you and you should be grateful for that and not make her feel bad for not enjoying you also 'that way'. If she loves you, you should already feel as happy as can be. If you believe otherwise, you may want to ask yourself why and be very honest with yourself.


# The treatment WILL be successful.

It is certainly important to be encouraging and positive about a partner's ability to go through successful treatments and solve vaginismus, but NO cure is 100% effective, so unless both partners are Very comfortable with the possibility that a woman may NOT solve vaginismus and that the couple may never be able to have intercourse, then working on healing from vaginismus will only be a huge stress in your lives, if things took longer than expected or the final result didn't happen.


# The treatment will be fast


It is true that solving vaginismus could take as little as a few months' time of dilating exercises or even less for those who have secondary vaginismus whose root is mainly physical. But the process could take a year, two years, a very long time.. A woman may have million things going on simultaneously in her life and her body, not giving her the best context to focus on treating vaginismus. Or she may first have to overcome a lot of emotional, psychological problems, a lot of relationship problems between the two of you, or long-term sexual abuses or traumatic, violent accidents in her life. If so, there should be no rush and no pressure. There's no other way round it really.
If a therapist should tell you that your partner will be healed in a few weeks’ time and instead you see her struggling, you should not put any pressure on her and you should instead blame that therapist for not giving you more realistic expectations. A woman should follow her body's pace if a real wholistic 'success' is to be hoped for. And only that kind of success should be hoped for.


# Since she can't have intercourse and if she loved me, she should at least be more willing to have oral sex, anal sex etc to please me.


A woman does not owe compensation to anyone for having vaginismus. It's not something a woman chooses to have, so it's not something she should pay for or feel guilty about. If a woman doesn't like other sexual activities, there is NO real reason she should be pressured to offer an alternative to intercourse to a partner.
That would only put her off sex in the long run and make the recovery from vagismus lenghtier and more difficult.

A normal reaction is to think that you have needs too and that you lack sexual activity. Well, that of course is not your parnter's problem, especially since sex is not a physical need and you can get off on your own. If you lack emotional support or affection instead, then it's a different story and it's worth talking to your partner about how you feel and see how she feels.


If you don’t hold these expectations or myths, then please help challenge these beliefs by contradicting any other man who you may hear saying those things out loud. Stand up for your partner and for women (and humans) in general.
You can read more about sex myths or about misconceptions on vaginismus.


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DISCLAIMER: This site is not designed to provide medical advice. All material is gathered from the experience of hundreds of women who experienced vaginismus but it is for information only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional or medical advice, diagnosis, and treatment. Please review the information contained on vaginismus-awareness-network.org carefully and confer with a health care professional specialized in vaginismus, as needed.