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MYTHS to break on Sex, Vagina and Hymen

These myths should be broken, not hymens!

Myth #1: Men Need sex. Sex is a human NEED.

As humans we tend to use the word NEED a lot to cover what is most of the time a WANT. That is ok as long as we are aware of it, but the problem is that way too many men (and women too) by now believe that sex is in fact a basic need that men just cannot do without. That is absolutely false and simply unscientific.
Men can and do live full and healthy lives without having intercourse, they do not die without it, they do not get sick, there is absolutely no syndrome or disability brought about by lack of intercourse.

Now, for some men (and not necessarily for all men either), there may be a physical need to release sexual tension. That is NOT the same thing as saying that a man will need a woman, or that a man will need penetration and intercourse. What it very simply means is that at some stage, if the tension is too much (or stimuli too many), a man may need to get rid of accumulated sperm and tension.

Big difference from needing sex or a woman to do that... We are not dustbins...

We think it is very important you too help spread the truth about this myth cause unfortunately many men are growing up believing they will have some health consequences if they don't have intercourse or will be ready to pay a woman for sex and expose her to all sorts of risks, for something they may believe they have a God-given right to have since it's a "need".

It's a tragedy and we can all contribute to stopping it just simply by starting to break this myth.

Myth #2: Small girls, small vaginas

When I was writing this page, a girl from a support group on vag. asked me to please include this myth in the list and share her story.. She had suffered a lot because of doctors' and people's misconceptions regarding small vaginas and she wanted to make sure others could be spared that.

There is indeed a myth out there that petite, short girls will also have a small vagina. Coincidentally, some petite girls may suffer from vaginismus, but so can tall, large, fat women. Being a petite girl is not guarantee that your vagina will be ‘tight’ just like being petite is not a vaginismus sentence.

First of all, it's very unlikely to really have a tight vagina. What that sometimes may mean is that your hymen is a bit thick or that your muscles clamp down a lot and therefore it FEELS like you are tight during sex, but you are not. Vaginas are elastic.
You may have a 'short' vagina, but length is not a big issue and does not impact on the ability to feel or to give pleasure, so what's the problem ? The tip of the penis and the first third of the vagina are the most sensitive parts so neither penises nor vaginas need be particularly long to permit sexual satisfaction..

Also, vaginas expand a few inches when aroused.
And remember that a woman who gave birth to 2 children may then still suffer from vaginismus, because it's the muscles that matter here, not the size..

Unfortunately even some gynecologists have been reported to say to petite women that they may have problems having sex. This is plain wrong. Other doctors have told girls with vaginismus that they should feel lucky for being so 'tight' and small down there, because they will make a man happy. These comments are way out of line.. You can check our forum to see some of these stories..

Some boys too will sometimes show off and talk about how they like having a petite girlfriend because her vagina is tight. Others instead can make ignorant comments about how they would not like a petite girlfriend out of fear of ‘breaking’ her, or some sick ones may like the idea of forcing a tight vagina.

So, the myth that petite girls have petite vaginas certainly causes all sorts of unnecessary suffering for petite girls who may grow up believing their vaginas to be in fact very small or too small or too tight and then mentally will defend themselves against intercourse which they start imagining as hurtful and this can lead to vaginismus.

Myth #3

A woman with vaginismus is:
a) a frigid
b) unfaithful
c) not attracted to her partner
d) a lesbian

What can we say about this...? Of course these are the banal things to say. It's easier to just put the blame on the woman and make her feel that something is wrong with her rather than seeing the role a partner may have or society may have, in having caused her vaginismus.

A woman MAY be a lesbian if she has vaginismus, just like she may be a lesbian even if she was able to have painfree intercourse with a man.

This myth seems to spread from the belief that lesbians won't have penetrative sex. Though that may be true for some of them, others will use strap-ons etc and have 'intercourse' too. So clearly vaginismus has little to do with one's sexual orientation since so many heterosexual women in love with their partners have it. It has more to do with lack of knowledge of one's private parts, lack of information on their PC muscles, lack of sexual education and lack of kindness...

A woman's frigidity is an old misused concept which was again only used by men to put pressure on women to be more sexual but often a woman can be turned off by anything sexual after bad experiences or because of an unloving partner, or because of the vaginal pain she put up with for his sake, or she may simply be asexual or have other things that make her tick in her life..

A lot of women with vaginismus that we talked to seem to have a good libido and they want to be able to have sex, some crave it too. Of course we've heard of other women with vaginismus who had zero sexual appetite instead, and they often said they could have done without sex forever without caring. But it could be a phase they are going through, sexual desire is energy that ebbs and flows, that flow just needs to be respected. If a woman doesn't feel like it, she doesn't. She shouldn't be made to feel she should.. What awful pressure we put on human beings..

As for a woman with vag. not being attracted to her partner, for most cases that of course is nonsense or she wouldn't feel that having vaginismus is this big tragedy. Chances are that women with vaginismus are very much sexual and attracted to their partner but something is blocking them and hurting them, so playing the role of a touchy rejected partner won't help her in the least.
It should be pretty clear if she likes you and loves you or not, from other things she does. Sexual attraction can come and go too, just like sexual desire. It may have to do with how you treat her too, so if she isn't in fact attracted to you, then instead of blaming her and making her feel a cold person, you may wonder if you have a role to play too or if something does..

Finally, I've been told by a Malasyan girl that women with vaginismus are sometimes blamed, especially in Muslim countries, to be unfaithful and have affairs. The husband of a woman with vag. thinks their vagina is rejecting him out of guilt or something. Of course this myth is terribly unfair cause a woman with vaginismus is obviously completely unable to cheat on a husband of course and blaming her or abusing her to do just that will only contribute even more to her vagina clamping down, understandably so, to such a non understanding hurtful partner.

Myth #4: When you have sex for the first time, the hymen breaks, bleeds and it's painful. That's normal...

This one really fires me up.. Please check our section on the hymen to read the truth about how things should go instead...

Myth #5: Women’ own lube is enough for sex
Men whose partner needs extra lube are not 'real' men

The truth is that some women just don’t lubricate enough to have painfree intercourse.
There can be all sorts of problems, for some it may be a hormonal issue, usually the older women get, the less their vagina produces lubrication. Other women may produce a lube which is too thin and therefore not enough to make intercourse painfree.

Or for some the fear may make them tense so much that after the initial lubrication, they get dehydrated and in some cases the tension can be so much that there’s an immediate stop to the production of lube, so some women may start intercourse with enough lubrication but then dry out very fast and experience sex painful as things progress. We heard that some men feel offended at the thought that their partner will need to use extra lube to have painfree intercourse with them. They feel that if she was aroused enough, she’d lubricate no problem so they take it as a sort of personal failure on their part, not to turn them on enough.

That could be the case for some men, but in general, even a very turned-on, in love woman may have problems with sustaining arousal and with lubrication overtime, just like a very turned on, in love man can have problems with sustaining an erection for a long time.

So, if you are not lubricated enough to make intercourse painfree, then there are many lubes sold or that you can use at home (such as olive oil etc. See the whole choice of LUBRICANTS with pros and cons for each) that could make the problem go away.

But the golden rule is always the same: if there is pain during, no woman should endure it, for no reason, and if a man feels hurt in his ego because of this, then it’s his problem, not her fault.

Myth #6: Bitter and Angry women need some sex

Sure, cause no woman (or man) who has regular sex is ever angry or bitter, right ?
Wrong of course...
If that was the case, then prostitutes would never be angry or bitter, but instead they have some of the highest levels of depression and self-harming behaviours.

Why do men say that women NEED a good f... whenever they hear one complain bitterly or angrily about something?

We asked ourselves that question and it is pretty easy once you look into this, to see how that way of thinking justifies the use of sexual violence and abuse from a man onto a woman, by justifying it thinking the woman WANTS it, even more, that she NEEDS it...

It's easier to think she just needs to shut up and have sex, than to really listen to her complaints and take them seriously. Women often have good reasons for complaining, and they need the chance to vent their frustration or anger without being shut up.

Even if having sex relaxed them for a little while, the problems they probably have wouldn't go away for sure.
And it's those problems that may NEED help from men.

We hope you will challenge any man who in the future you may hear say of a certain angry woman that she just need a good f... to lose her acid bitter edge.

Tell this man, since he seems to care and know better, why doesn't he go to that woman and LISTEN to her problems to judge if sex could indeed be a good solution to her....

We are sick and tired of all these myths and seeing how sex is often used to shut women, vaginas and world's problems up..

Sex is not a cure in these cases, it's a temporary fix, nothing better than a drug, with lots of consequences too, that often only the woman then has to face.

Maybe angry and bitter men need to lose some blood, like menstruation, what would they feel if we told them so and then cut them and laughed, uh? ...

Myth #7: Sex makes up 99% of a relationship when you're not having it, but only 1% when you are"

There are many married people, at various stages of their marriage, who for many valid reasons (serious health problems; medical side-effects; disabilities; religious and spiritual beliefs; being physically apart because of work,war, displacement etc; being too old; having Aids or Genital Herpes and so on) simply do not or cannot have sex, for a very long time or for even all their marriage.

Yet these couples can be as committed, as passionate, as fulfilled and as LOVING as couples having sex. Sex is not at all necessary to keep a marriage alive or to have a successful one.

Sex certainly isn’t a requirement to validate a marriage either. Or shouldn’t be. (You can read more on Unconsummated Marriages here). When it is, what that marriage is actually hiding is a prostitution-contract on the part of the woman.

In some cases sex plays a huge part when there isn't much else giving that marriage a reason for being, so sex can cover up holes in the communication, in the communion of spirits, in the passion for life, in the mutual understanding and most of all, it can cover a lack of true love. It's very handy.

So vaginismus can certainly be a big problem for those couples who use sex as a filling. It will not give those couples any place to hide, and they will have to face those holes. That's why they may want to badly rush to fix it.

In these cases, once vaginismus is fixed, marital problems usually begin to come up to the surface and find other ways of expressing themselves. So, the more vaginismus (or any other sexual 'dysfunction' ) is a problem in a relationship, the more sex is probably used to cover something unpleasant.

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DISCLAIMER: This site is not designed to provide medical advice. All material is gathered from the experience of hundreds of women who experienced vaginismus but it is for information only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional or medical advice, diagnosis, and treatment. Please review the information contained on vaginismus-awareness-network.org carefully and confer with a health care professional specialized in vaginismus, as needed.